she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
