Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
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