so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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