Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
