dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
