So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Randomize
