my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
