fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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