So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
