I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
