exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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