watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
