you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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