ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
