I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
