I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
