i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
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