we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
and you fell through a lawn chair
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
