I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
