the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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