Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
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