I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Randomize
