woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
