do herpes really smell.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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