the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
