Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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