Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
