If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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