Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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