Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
