What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Randomize
