if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Randomize
