So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Randomize
