I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
