I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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