Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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