The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
