I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
