theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
