never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
