I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
