It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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