Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize
