i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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