I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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