So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
