This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
