I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Randomize
