I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
