My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
